Dealing with ego

What makes us hold on to our self image? Especially when we're also known to speak really harshly to ourselves? Mixed signals? Or maybe fear?

I recently did a Facebook Live where I discussed the topic of Dealing with Ego. It was requested by one of the group members and I took it on.

Earlier that day I wrote down my notes for the talk, congratulating myself as I went along, on my knowledge, my wit and how I could find so much to write on a topic that is not usually what I work on with my clients.

When it was time for the 'live', I froze. I felt I didn't own my words and was frantically creating a visual anchor of calm, yet energised talk where my words flow and my smile is happy.

But it didn't quite work that way and although I wasn't self judging or self hating, I was curious to realise I felt like I didn't quite deliver. Don't get me wrong, there were no tears or big dramas. But it did trigger my 'what is the gift' question and reflection.

Shall we dive into this, then?

Ego is our image of ourselves. It's how we know we're within the boundaries of safety and where we're confidently able to assert whether we have enough, we're loved enough and are good enough.

It's not to say we have to always feel like we've got it all covered, but our ego is mostly only concerning itself with these basic needs. Whenever anything happens to us, or when we are considering to create something new in our environments, these are the immediate 3 questions it's interested in.

If it finds the answer to be 'no' or 'unsure', it brings on a whole waft of feelings and emotions meant for us to reconsider.

If I want to start a new job, my ego will immediately want to know: 1) how much money I'm going to get and if I'll have enough. 2) what are my promotion prospects and how I know I can make impact (good enough) 3. Who will I work for and with, what the team is going to be like and what will working there be like (relationship and care = am I loved).

If the answers to these questions are not clear, the ego is having a meltdown. It really needs to know the answers to these questions or it feels threatened and uncomfortable. It goes on to pile any doubt it can on us making that move.

Other times the ego reminds us of its existence is when we're hurt by someone. Maybe a boy (or a girl) arranged to meet us and never showed up. Maybe our manager rejected a report I've worked hours on, saying it doesn't cut it. Maybe I spent ages on a work proposal only for someone else from the team to claim the credit. Maybe I've shared something with my coworkers and they turned around and said it wasn't good enough.

Can you see that in all of these one of the basic questions mentioned above are being threatened? If my boss is unhappy with me, my ego tells me our 'am I good enough' is under fire. Maybe the 'not loved' is here too. It makes us feel frustrated. It makes us feel unseen. It makes us feel we can never get it right and doubt our abilities.

It makes us feel like we're not good enough and not cared about. Our ego is in overdrive.

Ego is all about the comfort zone. About protection and that feeling of safety. But maybe not the good feeling of safety, because it is a need. If that need is not met, we feel really uncomfortable.

And this is where the gift idea comes in: when every time we get triggered by someone or by an event, we take a deep breath and we look within. Maybe the hurtful thing someone said is more to do with them than us? Maybe we don't have to see it as 'judgment' or ruthless feedback? Maybe we can see this as 'feed forward' instead? Where the invitation is not to protect and question safety, but rather to grow, learn and evolve?

We all have blindspots. It's what we don't know that we don't know. But other people can see how we show up in a way that is unhelpful to us, and when they mention it, we have the choice to be thankful that we are receiving information we wouldn't otherwise have. Maybe it's really what we needed to hear to be able to achieve the actual thing we've been trying for all this time.

What if I didn't just get upset with my manager for not appreciating my report, and instead looked at my work with objective eyes? Would I be happy with this report if someone else handed it to me? Maybe I created the report as a chore rather than owning it and it slacked? Was my research thorough enough? Did I present my thinking in a way that take into consideration both the pros and cons? Did I analyse the topic correctly?

And if the boy (or girl) didn't send me a text when I absolutely wanted them to? Can that be an invitation to find out for myself how I am showing up to this relationship? Am I being true to myself and know my worth? Or am I needing something from this person? Maybe external validation to how amazing I am, not realising that if I need to get this confirmation externally, my lack of seeing it internally is probably the exact reason why they're not giving me what I want.

The gift in any trigger is the invitation to explore what we're scared of. What we haven't yet learn about ourselves and where we are still operating from the ego rather than the soul. It's the gift to move from fear and protection into love and freedom. It's an invitation to grow.